woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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