You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
