someone threw a dead crab at me
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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