I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
