my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize