Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
