Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
