he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
