Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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