I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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