I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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