Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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