Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
accomplished twins. life is a go
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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