I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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