So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
