Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
