I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
