I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
