I want you more than these girls want KFC
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
