I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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