I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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