the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
