Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
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