She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
