The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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