At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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