and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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