Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
