Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
