she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
