i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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