she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Randomize
