i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
My underwear smells like fireworks.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
