Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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