There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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