i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
