Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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