some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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