No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
