before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
