That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
