my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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