Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
