My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm too high and old for this...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
