i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Randomize
