The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
