There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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