apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
