There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
