I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
