So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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