Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
