If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
