If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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