That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
