I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
