i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
