How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
