Have you finally orgasmed yet?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
